Chaotic Rambling

The most powerful feelings show themselves just for a few moments and they still leave a trace on us. We do not share these powerful emotions with anyone else, not even with our friends and family. They are secrets deeply carved in the depths of our souls and minds. When they come out, we cannot predict. They are brought by a momentary thought, a flashing image of the past or the present, a phrase, a word, a gesture, a look in someone’s eyes. They feed on our souls and they creep around our minds, making us do hideous or wonderful things. We cannot escape from them when they appear, and we do not want to.

They do not define us, they are alien from our personality, they cannot be identified by someone else as a part of us. We love them, because they are different from who and what we are, they are something which was born within us, but which lies a few thousand light years away from us. We love it because it brings something new to us, or because we simply do not fully understand why is it that we feel in such a manner. We also love it because of such intensity there is no other feeling. In that very instant we feel something of incredible power, something that poisons our mind, it strikes it into an abyss of thought and possibilities and mars it horribly and irreparably. We are hypnotized by it, we transcend into another world of feeling, we succumb to our deepest wishes and we feel the embrace of freedom. We are aware of the consequences brought by acting based on such an emotion; but we do not listen to reason. The sheer power of the feeling overwhelms us. After they disappear and we think about it, we cannot believe what has transpired, what was born, what has crept out of our subconscious thoughts.

Sometimes they haunt us for a very long time by leaving their mark on us. Thus, we come back again and again to them, to try and understand why we felt that way when we did. We will never comprehend it, simply because all there is to understand about them lies in the very moment when we feel them. And in that moment, nothing else matters but that very emotion, that single drop that poisons the mind.

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?:?:2008

We look upon the things that happen in our lives, trying to discern what’s what and to comprehend as much as we can. When our minds are exposed to something that we cannot understand or something that is different from our own sense of perception, a feeling of jealousy appears. We are jealous of the fact that there is something that we cannot comprehend, or simply because it is not shaped as we would shape it. So we try to reach it, to grasp it and to model it in our own image. If we cannot, we destroy it, or we cast it out of our lives.

But what drives this jealousy that invades our little minds? Is it our nature to aspire to something greater than ourselves, to transcend into the point of our origin and to complete the circle that is our existence, thus reaching a point of absolute happiness by understanding it? Or is it the desire to complete ourselves, to transcend to that same point but not take part of it, but to observe it and then become it? Do we become one with God? Do we stab him in the back and take his place?

Whatever the path we take, we like to believe that we become closer to this point by becoming judges and painters of our worlds. We impersonate the divine role poorly, as when we recreate and remodel our lives, we cause pain and destruction in our path, to the ones that are part of our lives and to ourselves. We are blinded by the bright lights we cast, thus we do not see the black abyss that stretches underneath us. This is our paradoxical existence. We ascend to something greater, and at the same time we act as if we were already there.

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?:?:2008